Really?

I went to go visit a friend tonight, and I did not have my glasses (I'm blind) so I stopped across the street of the housing complex to make sure it was the right place. I stopped for less than a minute. I head into the complex and have to go through a roundabout that tells you the apartment numbers at each entrance. I have to slow down a couple times, until I find the right one, then park. I get out of my car, lock it, and this black car rolls by. The man says "Hey, (insert my last name) right?" I'm confused but say yeah this isn't a police car so I figure it's someone my friend knows. He goes on to ask me if I'm lost, because he saw me parked across the street and... Me: I'm looking for a friends house, can't see too well, don't have my glasses.  HIM: Oh, I was just wondering because there's been some break ins recently and you were driving through... Me: Ok, I'm looking for apartment 152, am I in the wrong lot? HIM: No, that's right over there, have a good night.              

At first I couldn't understand why this left me unsettled. Now I realize that this happened within the space of 3 minutes.  He saw me park across the street and immediately ran my plate. After that showed him I've NEVER been arrested or even had  a parking ticket, he still felt the need to come over and warn me that I'd been seen and was being watched. On top of that, I had actually passed by him to get into that section's parking lot and so he had to turn around to give his warning.  F*ck You. What pisses me off is he thought he was being clever and sly, and I was too confused to call him on it.  Now I'm wasting my life thinking of all the things I should've said.If I'm here to steal I'm not going to admit it to you. If I'm lost I'm not going to go deep into the complex and park my car and get out. Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm a creep. In fact, I freely admit it. In this case I wasn't acting the least bit suspicious, and instead of correctly and logically assuming I was looking for a specific apartment this man decided I was casing the entire neighborhood...by myself...in my inconspicuous Black Punch Buggy. I don't appreciate being stopped like that and I want a do-over to be facetious and snarky.

Making Plans- Rambling

I'm making plans to get to my long term goals. I need to narrow my focus of study. I want to work with animals, but doing what? I could get into conservation, animal husbandry, Marine biology, become a vet tech,or if I'm ambitious a veterinarian. I'm honestly considering as a side job/hobby wild life photography. I'm going to contact some professors or workers at the aquarium just to get a better idea of what each field requires financially, years of study, future salary, which if any of these can be combined.  I have to do some research and decide. To prepare for this I'm going to read 1 chapter from my photography book or veterinary assistant book every night.

I've had my veterinary assistant certification for a year and haven't done used it at all. It's the best tool I have to get into the field I want in some capacity.

• Contact Humane Society  about volunteering
• Contact VCAs in surrounding areas about shadowing, internships
• RESEARCH

It's not the best plan, and has to be flushed out a lot. Atleast, it's a start.

Am I A Jerk?

It's difficult for me to befriend people because I'm shy, don't trust people, and am terrible at making small talk. Making friends with people at work is even worse because I'm even more formal with people than usual. There is a girl at my job that has befriended me. The problem... I'm not sure if I like her. There's nothing wrong with her, she's nice and friendly, but she may be too nice. Just typing this makes me feel like an angsty teenager thinking they're too cool, but it's the truth. She's EXTREMELY cheerful, which may become a problem in the future because I'm Mean. I'm not a malicious person. I won't call someone out in public or deliberately embarrass you. According to a close friend I'm a Good person but not very Nice.

Let's just be honest, when you first meet people you have to be a watered down version of yourself. For example, I when I was at this co-worker's house we were looking for food for a picnic and her dad suggested watermelon. I wanted to say "Just because I'm black doesn't mean i like watermelon." Unfortunately, I couldn't because I was pretty sure that would've led to an awkward silence and apologies instead of the laugh it deserved. I've realized that I see her sunny disposition as fake, and that's messed up. Am I really that angsty, EMO teen that thinks there's no happiness and My Chemical Romance speaks to my inner darkness. I don't want to be that cynical person, and despite popular opinion I'm not that judgmental. I usually make first impressions and then see if people live up to them. I'm honestly wrong a lot, and people pleasantly surprise me.

Perception

It's funny how you view yourself, how others view you, and how you think others view you can be so radically different. Joe was at the house. He looked at a Zelda manga on the table and said "What's that?" Cue 3 seconds of charged judgmental disbelieving silence. J, in his usual condescending way, says it's a manga. Joe defense is: "Guys, I'm Asian, but I'm not really Asian. " The things is, that's not why he got the dirty LOOK. It's because any of us could identify that backwards cover because manga has been a normal part of life since The Pokemon Epidemic of '97.

A new coworker of mine told me she sees me as this sweet innocent person that never does anything wrong. She imagines me going home at night, reading a book, falling peacefully to sleep, and then waking up in the morning to my parents bringing me orange juice and scrambled eggs. I'm pretty sure she was only half joking. I asked one of my best friends about her initial impression of me. She said I was nice but didn't seem innocent. I was quiet, but not in an awkward way...It was like I KNEW things.This comes as a complete surprise to me. I'm the definition of AWKWARD, I feel like everyone can feel my discomfort. I have no idea how I ever played it off. This is my life:  

Which one is truer? The way you see yourself, or the way others see you?

Almost On time or Too Late

"When I'm old, just before I die, I want to gather my entire family around and say to each of them, in a British accent, “You were brilliant.” as sincerely as possible. And anyone who doesn't get the Doctor Who reference will be written out of my will."- T. Eating Stars

When I die I want to be able to say: "I regret Nothing." But I can't cross that off my list because I regret a lot of things. My biggest regret is being late. (insert off color colored joke here) There are bands that I only started to love recently who I can't see in concert because they don't tour- Noisettes, Gossip; lead singer has new group- Rilo Kiley; or they're too poor- The Carps. It's disappointing and shows how important it is to actively search for things to get them on time. I learned this lesson HARD. For 12 long distressful hours I thought I was too late to pay my student loan down enough to qualify for more aid. I was so distraught I cleaned my room, and looking through old papers I saw that I had a lot of chances. I had opportunities to delay, to defer, to forbear, and I avoided notices hoping they would go away instead of just dealing with them. Once I finally started paying and dealing with things I had no more chances. So basically deal with things immediately, don't wait, and actively search for ways to get to YES! (Hey Ziggy).

Wrapping Up The Month

I've accomplished some goals this month, not as many as I liked but I knocked off a few.


 Major Goals

• Go to work no later than 11:00AM not leaving before 10:00PM for February

                -I accomplished this goal and made ALOT of  $$ with overtime, which lead to this goal

• Pay off my school bill by the end of March 

                -This has been hanging over my head for 4 YEARS. $5,000 has put my life on hold and now I need 4x as much to go back to school and a $5,000 loan is Nothing. But I'm so excited to go back to school FINALLY. I've honestly felt like a failure, that kid with potential that failed. Many of my peers have accomplished so much, like spending  One Year In Korea, or being paid to go to grad school, and so many of them are working in the field they studied. I gotta step it up.

Fun Goals

• Nose Piercing

             -Pierced my nose as a reward for paying off school.

• Perfect RED Lipstick

             -NYX jumbo pencil, works perfectly, no smudge, no fading


Procastination 

•  My work schedule interfered with a lot of things like the gym and volunteering because it changed 3 times, but I slacked last week, and have to just do it and keep going.
•  Volunteering or internship, haven't done anything for either because I work everyday. But I need to make progress on that. 

I haven't decided what to add to this list, update tomorrow, I've accomplished 2 of my short term major goals, so I'm happy with this week. Things can always be better though.

Say It Loud

Saying something out loud or telling others makes you more likely to actually follow through. So, I've decided to make a list every night for what I need to accomplish tomorrow. I failed yesterday because I had my emotional breakthrough early in the morning.So I'm starting over today. This blog will be my accountabilabuddy for the Big long time goals.

Major Goals

• Go to the gym at least 3x a week
• Lose 15 pounds
• Go to work no later than 11:00AM not leaving before 10:00PM for February
• Pay off my school bill by the end of March
• Volunteer at Animal Shetler by March
• Internship by mid-March
• Decide on College to Attend
•  Start learning Photography (KeKe)
• Blog posts 3x a week
• Call Texas Family every other week
• Visit Justine abroad
• Spend New Years on Holiday

Fun Goals

• Perfect Red Lipstick
• Perfect Purple Lipstick
• Find Staple Deep
• Nose Piercing
• Grow Hair Chin Length
• Make Own Shea Butter

All of these things must be crossed out at some point in time. Some have deadlines, others don't. I'm ready to get started.